My stake is kind of weird. Every time I turn around there is a new "rule" that our Stake President has come up with or new "activity" that we all "need" to participate in. Sometimes I wonder what he is playing at. Anyway, that being said...
I received an email a few weeks ago from our Stake Relief Society peoples about a new program they are wanting the Sisters to participate in. I was not too enthusiastic when I saw this but as I read the email I really like the idea behind it.
Basically, they (the RS) have given us something to think about for a week. We are invited to study and ponder on this idea and then journal about it. Sounds simple enough, right? And since in my "real" journal I have not yet brought Princess Petey into this world I thought I could do my journaling here (nobody reads this anyway..let's us just be honest..)
Week 1... What is the meaning of your life? The Purpose? The Direction? Elaine Dalton said, "Did you know that Heavenly Father knows you personally-by name?"
Week 2... The path to our ultimate goal of eternal life in the presence of Heavenly Father and his son, Jesus Christ, leads to the temple. "Your endowment is, to receive all those ordinances in the house of the Lord, which are necessary for you,...."
Week 3... To be devoted to Jesus Christ means we are trying to be like him. "What does it mean to seek the face of the Savior?"
Week 4... A patriarchal blessing literally contains chapters from your book of eternal possibilities. "Your patriarchal blessing is to you a personal Liahona to chart your course and guide your way.: Pres. Monson.
I had such good intentions to do this but to be honest I did not survive week one. I have stopped participating in this new opportunity. Let me try to explain why. I have not quit because I am lazy or too busy, although both reasons are true. I have quit because I am not sure.
Anyone who has read my latest few postings (which is no one..) knows of the difficulties I have been having with Brownie. He has cast out not only all of my Beliefs but also my GOD. He has not only decided that a mission is not for him but that the Gospel is not either. My Spirit has suffered painful, tear filled attacks at the hands of my son. I feel like I have failed him. Which makes me question.. I have worked so hard to help my son be grounded in the Gospel and he has fallen away.
What did I do wrong or not do right? And how do I fix it for the other kids?
From as far back as I can remember I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to be a great mom, to be correct. Kind of like June Cleaver, without the pearls. I have made some dandy mistakes in my efforts along the way but I have tried to make sure that my down falls were not repeated by me and that the lessons I learned were lessons that my children (or sisters, for that matter) could look at and perhaps use as warning beacons to help steer them in the correct direction. I am not sure it has worked.
My son has chosen to move in with is girlfriend. Yes, we all know what that means and I am heart broken over his choices. He once commented to me that I get too emotional about things. He is right.
I am struggling with not my faith, truly. I am struggling more with my PLACE in the whole thing. Am I being punished for the stupid things I did? Is somehow my Son just "getting me back" for the grief I caused my parents? Have I not been forgiven for my misdeeds of the past? I had thought I had been. Lately, I am not so certain. I feel so alone in my heartache.
Mostly, since Week 1, I wonder... Does the Lord even remember I am here?
2 comments:
Well, I love you, and I think you are a great mother. But I also know that no matter how hard you push and pull and try, kids all have their own minds and their own choices to make in life.
While Kenji is making some pretty serious (and stupid) ones that are hurting more people than he would think, there's nothing we can really do about them.
Something I have learned from my mother-in-law (that I am trying to work on day by day) is to just love them despite all of the heartache. Always have your home open to them, always love them, always invite them, always remind yourself of what you love about them, and always be there with open arms.
I know that stubborn 19 year olds are not the easiest to deal with(neither are bitchy sister-in-laws) but with time and patience I think that Kenji will see how obstinate he is being.
I don't think he whole heartedly means half the things he says, I think that he is just railing against the rules because he can.
I'm not impressed with the choices he's making either, but what can one do. Things will either work out for him or they wont. As his family we just need to love him anyway. (And I know you have never proposed to not love him.)
I half wish for him to fail so that he has the opportunity to learn from his mistakes, but that's not very charitable of me.
We have all been taught and trained and brought up in a house of faith and if we have the wherewithal our children wont stray too far from those things that they know to be true.
Heck, look at Keith, it’s been how long since he has been to church, but suddenly having a family has inspired him to go to church and to be a better person. It’s not quite the path that our parents wanted for him, but it’s a step in the right direction.
I’m sure that nothing I have said is really of any comfort to you, but I love you. I support you, and I am sure that even God is there somewhere.
“My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;
“And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.
“Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands.
“Thou art not yet as Job; thy friends do not contend against thee, neither charge thee with transgression, as they did Job” (D&C 121: 7-10).
Most days all He asks is that we endure.
Wow cousins I just wanted to say I think your both (LIZ too)AWESOME..I am so happy to find your blogs...I know Heavenly Father knows where you are and LOVES you soo soo much...I just really can't believe we have kids that are old enough to be making the choices they are making...it was soo much easier when they were three...Hang in there Sweet Andrea..your a Great Mom and one day they each will realize it.. (at least that's what I am Hoping For..heeeheee
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