If you were to look at the calendar hanging in my kitchen you would see my title (momma) and a big number signifigantly placed on a certain day of this month. If you were my hubby you would think it meant that you needed to go shopping for some sort of gift (sparkly, maybe?). My younger sons look at this notation and immediately begin trying to decide what sort of cake "they" should make for the occassion. My big boys probably just think it means I am that much more old.

I, on the other hand, look at the event with much more... I don't know. ???

The other day I had found a birthday card that my sister had sent to my oldest baby. She had commented on how he is her friend in this weirdness we call a family (my words not hers.. weirdness). This letter made me miss my sister... and my sons.

It has occured to me that I have been getting older. It is true that I will be turning a great big 25L this year but it is so much more than that. My oldest baby will be turning 17 next month... 18 next year... eventually he will be 20... or 25... do you see where this is going?

On a date with my husband the other day I tried to explain to him that I feel like my time with my children is running out. I already can feel that they, the older boys, are definately becoming seperate individuals from me. AND I DO NOT LIKE IT!!!!

At the same time, my family is growing and changing. Here. And I wish I was home, there (sort of). Things, relationships, there are damaged and likely to remain as such but... I miss having my sisters around to just be there. Does that make sense? They and my brothers and parents were always just "there" wether I wanted them there or not. I have pictures of my sisters when they were just little girls spending time with my babies. They helped me to raise my babies and I am now alone with my youngest and I wish they were not so far away "there".




Long story short. I have decided to cancel my upcoming anniversary of the day I first entered this rollarcoaster life. Perhaps by avoiding that event my children will stop having theirs and they will stay little always. Plus if we cancel this ??? feeling can just leave and I won't be tearing up in Applebees over my chicken fried chicken.

It could work.