Feelin' Moody?

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph.
It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal
forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong'.

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep...

Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons
Austin , Tx

It's a Secret.

My hubby came home from work the other day and wanted to know about the secret handshake that we have in the Temple. He had seen a story on Yahoo about that BigLove show that was going to be showing what happens inside a Temple. Apparently, the had talked specifically about this handshake thing and my hubby found it rather funny. He wanted to know what it was and why we thought it would get us into heaven.

"So you do a high-five and a belly-bump when you take off your magic underware?"

One night at dinner, several years ago, our oldest son, B., asked me what I had under my clothing that would get me into Heaven. I was puzzled. Looked down my shirt and said "My belly button?" Wrong. B had learned at his church that we as Mormons belive that our underware is magical and that when we die if we put it up against the gates of Heaven we will be able to get in. I promised B. that nobody wanted to see a bunch of fat naked Mormons and that he had been taught incorrectly. (For some reason this led to many other discussions on what his teacher was telling him wrongly about Mormons at his church.)

On my brother-in-laws blog there is a blip about why Mormons build temples. I tried to get my hubby to watch but he wasn't really interested.

So instead I told my hubby if he wanted to go with me to the Temple some day he could do the "secret" high-five bell-bump and get his own magic underware. He only laughed at me. Do you think that was an okay?

If you were to look at the calendar hanging in my kitchen you would see my title (momma) and a big number signifigantly placed on a certain day of this month. If you were my hubby you would think it meant that you needed to go shopping for some sort of gift (sparkly, maybe?). My younger sons look at this notation and immediately begin trying to decide what sort of cake "they" should make for the occassion. My big boys probably just think it means I am that much more old.

I, on the other hand, look at the event with much more... I don't know. ???

The other day I had found a birthday card that my sister had sent to my oldest baby. She had commented on how he is her friend in this weirdness we call a family (my words not hers.. weirdness). This letter made me miss my sister... and my sons.

It has occured to me that I have been getting older. It is true that I will be turning a great big 25L this year but it is so much more than that. My oldest baby will be turning 17 next month... 18 next year... eventually he will be 20... or 25... do you see where this is going?

On a date with my husband the other day I tried to explain to him that I feel like my time with my children is running out. I already can feel that they, the older boys, are definately becoming seperate individuals from me. AND I DO NOT LIKE IT!!!!

At the same time, my family is growing and changing. Here. And I wish I was home, there (sort of). Things, relationships, there are damaged and likely to remain as such but... I miss having my sisters around to just be there. Does that make sense? They and my brothers and parents were always just "there" wether I wanted them there or not. I have pictures of my sisters when they were just little girls spending time with my babies. They helped me to raise my babies and I am now alone with my youngest and I wish they were not so far away "there".




Long story short. I have decided to cancel my upcoming anniversary of the day I first entered this rollarcoaster life. Perhaps by avoiding that event my children will stop having theirs and they will stay little always. Plus if we cancel this ??? feeling can just leave and I won't be tearing up in Applebees over my chicken fried chicken.

It could work.

Nothing new here.

A girlfriend of mine called today and she asked "What's new?" in my world. Her husband has changed his career and has gone back to school. They are expecting a baby, trying to sell their house and atleast a million and one other things.

I am folding towels, rocking Princess Petey(she is teething and has been crying all night), running the dishwasher, preparing for Cub Scouts (I am being made a den leader), trying to remember to find time to go fill Jellybean's perscription...oh, yea gotta watch for his bus...making an email/phone list for my Primary Pres. on top of all the other Primary stuff I need to catch up on. Plus probably a million and one other things I was supposed to do yesterday and never finished. Gotta call the vet....hmm... seems like I am forgetting something...oh, well.

I told her "Nothing."