Shrug.

Today is one of those typical bleak, slightly cold winter days outside and I am being naughty and simply watching a movie while Princess Petey has a nap. the movie is called Lake House with Sandra Bullock in it. She is in the future but falling in love with Keanu Reeves in the past. My brain is having a few issues with the time difference but it has made me wonder. What if we could go back?

This morning I was talking to Brownie about his bio-dad and some of the things that had made our marriage an impossibility. There were many things and differences between the two of us that made our marriage being a lasting a thing a non-chance. And that's okay.

I have often offered to my Hubby that if we could go back in time that I would gladly be B's mother and have him be the father of all of my children. He usually rubs my head and laughs at me in that sweet way that I love. Both of us fully knowing that we would not be us and our children would not be our children if that had occurred. But it is always nice to hear him say he wishes he had married me first.

Good or bad, life makes us who we are. My first born so very much reminds me of his father and I can remember what I found attractive about him all those years ago. The good things have been passed down to my children with my amazingness added in to make them both great boys.

I wouldn't change a thing about whow they are now or the men that they are becoming. Not with any of my children... they are all exactly who God intended them to be. Which is pretty great if you ask me.

Battles to be won?

Lots of memories, good and bad, swirl through my brain this time of year as I try to figure out hiding places for gifts that I need to not forget about. I was always amazed as a kid that there was "one more" gift pulled out of nowhere... I have learned that gift was most likely forgotten until just that moment. Anyway...

Lately as I have been having my internal struggle and after a very explosive emotional outburst that left not only myself and my Blonde son in tears but my Hubby not speaking to me for a few days (long story, same no progress ending) I have had a sentence from a scripture bouncing around amidst all of the chaos in my brain.

I know why this has been in my mind.

I guess I just need to try harder. Have more faith my Hubby tells me.

Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart: and lean not unto thine own understanding."

I am trying. Isn't that the point?

I do Believe.

Christmas is coming and Blonde's list is long. He adds to it every day so I have hidden it. Brownie doesn't want much but has expensive ideas. Squish and Jellybean just want it ALL.

I remember growing up that every year Christmas was being cancelled by my Daddy. I am sure Mother never agreed to the idea because Santa always came. I can remember sneaking out to see if Santa had visited in the wee pre-dawn hours and I don't remember ever being disappointed. I do remember hearing Daddy yell from across the house... "Go back to bed!"... Good memories.

The year before I got divorced I lived in Sunset and Santa delivered Christmas with a great feast included to our front door. His elves had been "gifting" us for the previous 11 days with cookies and stories and had never once been seen. And we watched for them. That year had been a hard one for me and my sons and somehow Santa knew and he came through for us. I was amazed and so greatful to whomever had taken care of us.

Again, the very next year Santa left two great big black bags on our doorstep. Full of treats and presents for my children. By this time we were living single in Kaysville in Noah's ark and struggling to survive in our little family. Again I was amazed and we were truly blessed by the generosity of an unknow Santa who cared about us having a Christmas too.

We have never needed that Santa again but the memory of it lives in my heart and brings a tear to my eye. Whoever you are... thank you for sharing with us.

I love Christmas morning with my boys. The only problem is it all goes so fast and then it is over. There is wrapping paper up to your belly button all over the house, candy smushed in the carpet and the Daddy snoring on the couch. Fortunately the memories can last much longer than the smell of the turkey cooking for dinner.

Anyway... I hope Santa has worked out a game plan for my Kids... because personally I am not ready yet for Christmas to arrive. Anybody seen the tape?

Vacation Bliss.

For our 10th Wedding Anniversary celebration we were blessed to be able to take all of our children to the Happiest Place on Earth. We spent two wonderful sunny days there and had a wonderful time. We all rode rides and got wet and acted like little children.



There were a few moments of tension... what vacation would be complete without that?... Blonde would not ride on rollercoasters but Squish would. Yea, Squish! It was great to watch his eyes glow as he got off the rides holding Brownie's hand. :)



The hubby and I did not get a whole lot of "alone" time but then again we had the boys when we said "I do" so we figured why should this be different.



We saw Stitch, Mickey Mouse, Mator, Chip and Dale, Goofy and many others. We watched the Parade and got to cheer that we were there to Celebrate an Anniversary. We watched the fireworks and I cried. (I saw other moms do it to so I am not the only loser.)



All in all I wish we could have stayed for just one more day. There were some rides that we missed. But we were so lucky to have been there at all (Thanks, Banana!) that we cannot even complain.



I loved being there with all of my children. I enjoyed going on rides with them. Watching them build their brotherly relationships and how they all tried to include Princess Petey in the fun. She will have absolutely no memory of this... which means we will have to go back someday.



Maybe for our 20th.....:)